Jacques Villeneuve is not a happy man.

While he has been tinkering away in a music studio embarking on his fledgling pop career…some devious little toe-rag has nicked his crown as formula one’s pitlane drama queen. Obviously when BMW dropped JV last year our initial thought was we were in for a quiet time of it, but between the histrionics of Alonso on track and Mark Webber moaning for the southern hemisphere off it, it certainly didn’t work out that way.


Not one to take things lying down Jacques has decided he wants his crown back. To prove his point he has launched into an honest assessment of his former racing colleagues in an interview with F1 racing magazine.

Most notably Jacques was very critical of new Ferrari star Kimi Raikonnen of which he claimed “Kimi is overrated as a driver package, because apart from jumping in a car and going fast, he really doesn’t care about the rest.”

We beg to differ here on FFN Jacques, we know for a fact he cares deeply about Finlandia Vodka, Roll-Mop Herrings, falling on his head aboard his yacht, surfing the internet and checking his watch constantly to see if its time to go home.

Jacques went on to claim “A complete driver will spend time with the engineers, setting up the car and pushing the team. He doesn’t give a shit, so he isn’t up there with Alonso. In a way it’s good for F1 to have a driver like that – you can’t just have robots”.

Hang on just a minute here!…..you mean that monotone voice, icy glare and the annoying regularity with which he blows up vehicles means he isn’t the terminator? we’ve been had – we want a refund!

Jacques went on to praise Felipe Massa (as if his head wasn’t big enough after Bernie Ecclestone started) “He’s intelligent, talented, quick.With the right equipment, he can be a title contender. Then we’ll see if he’s really a great, or just a good, driver. But he could be great.”.

Fishcella* we are to understand is over the hill and out-the-door, Kubica is a klutz, Trulli is up-tight and David Coulthard’s head resembles a cube. tell us something we don’t know!

Jacques must be getting a touch of dementia in his old age, he didn’t once get a pop in at his old arch-rival and evil nemesis Michael ‘Multi-tasking’ Schumacher….not even a mention of a bit of a dodgy manouvre at Jerez 97…so does he really think he can get his crown back? Mark Webber has his handbag ready and waiting.

Webbo the reigning pitlane Queen

* disclaimer: yup it was a typo.