You may well be wondering why it’s taken us a while at FFN to get around to mentioning the Malaysian Grand Prix, that took place on sunday afternoon at the Sepang International Circuit just outside Kuala Lumpur.

Firstly we must apologise, FerrariFan has gone off to biff Kimi Raikkonen and Felipe Massa over the head with a big stick, and I’ve been lying down with a cold flannel on my head trying to abate the aneurysm that came on suddenly at seeing McLaren CEO and slaphead Ron Dennis on the podium platform.

Just in case you were lucky enough to have missed the Malaysian Grand Prix, McLaren duo Fernando Alonso and Lewis Hamilton secured a dominant 1-2 during a race in which they didn’t put a wheel wrong, making their arch rivals Ferrari looking like a bunch of amateur schoolboys.

ohdear.jpgWhere did it all go wrong? well erm, I think that was the first corner on lap 1. When the five red lights went out both McLarens made a barn-storming start getting down into the first turn, Alonso and Hamilton both overtaking the Ferrari’s.

It was at this point actually that someone on the Ferrari pitwall actually happened to look up from playing noughts and crosses and realise the race had started and decided that actually hadn’t they better give Felipe and Kimi a wake up call on their new fangled tetra radio system, since they seemed to be rather enjoying a nice sunday afternoon siesta in the Malaysian heat.

From there on in Ferrari had it all to do, being stuck behind Lewis Hamillton who was acting as rear gunner for Double World Champion Nando, who wasn’t in the mood to stick around for a chin-wag and was off down the road like a jack-rabbit.

Feisty little Brazilian Felipe decided he was having none of this being stuck behind Lewis malarkey, and tried to do a bit of overtaking. Unfortunately he made a slight hams fist of the job on his second serious attempt and ended up on the grass watching Hamilton and his team mate disappear off into the distance. Obviously leaving half the paddock and most of the furious tifosi wondering just exactly who was the rookie after all.

From this point on the race was completely dictated by the McLaren team, well more to the point by Ron Dennis who seemed to have an infestation of ants in his trousers and was hopping back and forth from the pitwall to give messages to Nando via the pitboard, as it seems Nando’s radio was broken. (if my team boss was Ron Dennis quite honestly I would break my radio too).

lucastudious3.jpgPoor little Ferrari poppet Luca Baldisserri spent the rest of the race getting a terrible headache, furiously number crunching and scribbling with his crayons trying to work out ways to get his cars on terms with the McLarens but all in vain.

Unfortunately the strategy had all hinged around the Ferrari’s getting a better start than McLaren, and the inability to get past Lewis Hamilton’s car which was heavier on fuel effectively ruined the strategy for the rest of the afternoon. At this point previous Technical Director Ross Brawn would have come in handy, not just for his strategic mind, but also he is a fairly large man and good to hide behind when the slings and arrows start.

After the race Kimi Raikkonen hinted that his car was suffering from engine trouble and the team had been forced to turn down the revs on his F2007 in order to see him to the end of the race. This explains why he got caught up first behind Lewis Hamilton and then Fisichella and seemingly couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it. Unfortunately Felipe Massa had no such excuse to hide behind, having lost his head in turn 4 earlier against McLaren’s star rookie…and seemingly forgetting to go back for it all afternoon.

All eyes will be on the Ferrari duo next week in Bahrain to see if they can come good, and hopefully FerrariFan will have knocked some sense into at least one of the rascals.

Well what of the other runners and riders?

Spyker Ferrari had a torrid day, Adrian Sutil managed to involve himself in some fisticuffs early on in the race that put paid to his afternoon. Not wanting to actually go out and spend a few hours boiling his socks off in the Spyker either Christian Albers decided to stick his car permanently in third gear, over-rev the engine and turn it into a nice little barbeque. Meaning that now the team could concentrate on the real business at hand, of going to war with Super Aguri and STR in the customer car debacle.

BMW-Sauber’s resident Yeti Nick Heidfeld was able to take advantage of Felipe Massa’s overtaking gaffe on Lewis Hamilton, and managed to keep the Ferrari driver behind him all afternoon to come home to secure 4th place which he was delighted with. However there is no confirmation from BMW-Sauber that he will be shaving off his beard in celebration so it seems we will be staring at it a while yet. Robert Kubica’s car was hit with traction control problems and he spent the afternoon going pretty much backwards.

At Renault for once Flavio Briatore was keeping fairly quiet presumably too busy topping up his day-glo tan and enjoying Felipe Massa’s “rubbish” afternoon for a change instead of Heikki Kovaleinen. The Renault drivers managing to come home with Fisichella in 6th and Kovaleinen in 8th place respectively securing some world championship points.

Williams Nico Rosberg had a stirling drive all afternoon, until an unfortunate hydraulic problem struck his car handing his hard fought 6th place to Renault’s Fisichella with just 13 laps to go. Lanky beanpole Alex Wurx meanwhile having started from the back of the grid, spent all afternoon storming through the field, holding off Mark ‘Whinge-bag’ Webber in the Red Bull to secure 9th spot.

At Honda, well things just didn’t look any better…and they must be fairly ghastly for Jenson Button’s mother to phone him and say how shocking his car looked, presumably she was talking about the performance rather than the planetary paint scheme. Still you know it’s bad when your mother starts complaining about the state of F1 vehicles. Jenson managed to drag his planetoid round and finally end up in 12th spot, with Rubens Barrichello finishing just ahead in 11th.

ross1.jpgAfter the race team Boss Nick Fry confirmed he had been on the old dog and bone (phone) to Ferrari’s previous Technical Director Ross Brawn, trying to lure him out of sabbatical to come and help Honda who were desperate. It is rumoured Nick has offered Ross exclusive fishing rights to his goldfish pond in the back garden to try and entice the Ferrari ace to come and sort out the carnage in the Honda team. We will keep you posted on developments, but it seems Ross is going to be very busy next year with already becoming Ferrari team boss and McLaren team boss as well…..

Red Bull’s David Coulthard hit technical trouble when his brake pedal kept getting caught up with his steering collumn making the Red Bull virtually undrivable, well that was DC’s story and he isn’t about to confirm that actually he is getting on a bit and can’t keep up with all these young-uns. Red Bull Team mate Mark Webber had a fairly quiet and uneventful afternoon, yet again though out-finishing his ageing team mate by ending up in 10th place.

So finally McLaren managed to secure the advantage, and Ferrari have been left with a bit of egg on their face really…not to mention myself that spent all week last week being rather smug and scoffing my head off at McLaren’s claims they would catch Ferrari. *ahem*. One thing doesn’t change though and that’s Ron Dennis, who showed what a classy mature man he was by turning his back and snubbing his previous driver Kimi Raikkonen on the way to the podium. Should someone actually point out that’s what you expect from a 5-year-old not a grown man in his fifties?

So just 6 days remain before the Bahrain Grand Prix, and the question is can Ferrari come back from this rather dismal performance and silence their critics? and will McLaren’s Lewis Hamilton go one better again and secure a win? and do we really have to see Ron-Bot on the podium again?….I don’t think my poor head can stand it……

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