What a week it has been since the Spanish Grand Prix. Scarcely a day has gone past without something even more ludicrous than the last story popping up in the Motorsports Media to enthrall or cause dispair to us poor petrolheads.

pooooey.jpgThis week Mad Max Mosley escaped from his padded cell at FIA headquarters, to announce yet even more ridiculous suggestions for the future of Formula 1 (the pinnacle of Motorsport). Including rumours that F1 cars will in the future be required to use eco-friendly bio-fuels (namely cow dung) and eventually F1 drivers will forced to pedal themselves round 60 odd laps of the F1 circuits instead of running with engines. Which leads us to wonder just what they will be doing with the cow dung…..however Ron Dennis has been spouting manure for years and the sport seems to have got by somehow so maybe there is still some hope. Of course Ferrari pilot Kimi Raikonnen is unlikely to be effected by the changes since his F2007 is fuelled with Finlandia Vodka….and with team-mate Felipe Massa rumoured to be wearing the same underpants since last October, the Kimster probably wouldn’t notice the introduction of Manure into the Ferrari Garage.

Meanwhile Batman to Mad Max’s Robin, (namely Bernie Ecclestone TM) has been winning friends and influencing people yet again. Obviously tiring of his decade long spat with the owners of Silverstone (BRDC – British Racing Drivers Club) and realising his threats to axe them is falling on deaf ears (and what do you expect when you lecture a bunch of geriatrics with foam earplugs) the dimunitive top cock of Formula 1 has turned his attention on the poor Aussies.

bernieisatit.jpgAccording to current rumours, Bernie is demanding the Aussies stage a night race at Melbourne or risk losing the Grand Prix from the F1 Calendar. Apparently the F1 “bean counting” supremo believes that the current time slot of the Australian Grand Prix is not in keeping with the general viewing audience in Europe, which comes as a little bit of a surprise, considering he is axing European Grand Prix left, right and centre and attemping to stage races all over the bloomin’ shop. Surely half the fun of being a petrolhead is falling out of bed at 4 in the morning to have a beer or three and watching a bunch of overgrown schoolboys battle it out…and then go home sulking, tail between their legs.Still we here at FFN reckon there must be some hidden benefits to night races…including having the pitlane in darkness so we don’t have to endure bleeding eyeballs from one too many glimpses of Flab-io Briatore sweating for Italy on the pitwall.

Talking of viewing audiences, over in the UK, ITV F1 who provide the British Coverage of F1 and who have been much maligned of late not only by their spectators by also by none other than Ferrari’s Uncle Cuddly Bear Ross Brawn, have apparently been awarded a BAFTA for their TV coverage of the 2006 Hungarian Grand Prix. BAFTA actually stands for British Academy of Film and Television Arts. I’m a little confused therefore why ITV should get an award, there is nothing artful about James Allen wetting his pants live on TV and putting us off our sunday dinner because a British Driver won a race….finally. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against British Drivers per se, but really if I want to see a histrionic over-dramatisation with tears, joy and wet undergarments, well I’ll go to the local video store and rent out Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. I’m just glad I’m not ITV’s laundry service come the happy time one Lewis “ITV Love Child” Hamilton wins a race….what a pleasant thought. I think I need an aspirin.

A man who hasn’t been winning just about anything of late is Spyker-Ferrari’s Christijan Albers. But according to the Dutchman, there is a very simple explanation…the same old chestnut Ralf Schumacher has been banging on about all season. Yup according to Crash My Car Albers, the 2007 tyres are to blame for his dismal performances, and goes on to claim the reason that he has been thrashed by his team-mate is that rookies have not had to make the transformation from the old style of F1 tyres to the new ones. According to Albers this is why both Alonso and Raikkonen have been outshone by their team-mates…

Next he will be telling us the white line painted into the groove of the tyres is distracting him and causing him to park his car against his will into the barriers….

Meanwhile Ferrari Driver Kimi Raikkonen has come in for much criticism concerning the fact he left the circuit at the Spanish Grand Prix after retiring early from last weekend’s race. According to the Tifosi populace, the Flying Finn should have stayed behind and discussed with the team what went wrong. Now I don’t know about you, but given the verbal skills the Kimster has demonstrated so far…I doubt it would take more than 10 seconds for his input. “Car was broke, Disappointed, I go home for Vodka”.

kimisyacht.jpgStill Kimi felt the need to confirm that he had departed with the team’s permission, despite not giving two walnuts what the tifosi think let alone the ramblings of some wrinkly old F1 has-been….the Finn jetted off home to watch Finland getting thrashed in the Ice Hockey. And really one has to wonder with his only facial expression tantamount to that of a slapped trout on a bad day, would the team want him hanging around the garage turning the champagne from Massa’s victory to balsamic vinegar anyway?

But just in case you were doubting Kimi’s commitment and attention to the finest detail, it has been confirmed today you will be relieved to hear. The Kimster has according to the latest rumours spent $3.4 million on a 22 foot Yacht which he will be mooring in the Marina for the Monaco Grand Prix on Sunday. Just in case he crashes out or breaks down you understand…saves him walking back to the garage…now that is what I call great forward planning. Now all he needs is to commission his own race marshall…