ronthemaggot.jpgUnless you have been hiding at the bottom of the sea the last few days, no doubt you will be aware that McLaren CEO Ron Dennis has got him and his team in a bit of a pickle with the geriatrics at the FIA. The McLaren boss reportedly admitting that his team had issued tactical orders to his two drivers Nando Alone-so and Lewis Love-Child Hamilton to hold station and not push each other for the win in Sunday’s Monaco Grand Prix.

Within hours this admission from Retentive Ron had the British Press in absolute uproar, believing they had been robbed of witnessing Lewis taking his first win in his fledgling F1 career…although quite how he was actually supposed to get past Alone-so’s fat neck and humungous ego on the narrow twisty circuit we have no idea. Going into the race Lewis had claimed he was on a more aggressive strategy and it was widely believed he carried 5-6 laps more fuel which would allow him to pass Alonso in the pitstops. However, once the race was underway the pitstops did not pan out that way, leaving armchair experts everywhere furiously number-crunching trying to work out what was going on. Ron it is rumoured issued orders for the drivers to hold formation and not race each other to bring home McLaren’s first 1-2 of the season (and hopefully the last).

Usually the first one to go tittle-tattling to the FIA about their rivals misdemeanours, now it seems Ron is on the receiving end and all by his own hand…nothing like scoring an own goal is there? However the splenetic slaphead is now squirming like a maggot on the end of the fishing line by backtracking and claiming that there is in fact nothing wrong with the orders the team issued, that these orders were in fact organised before the race (and not after the first round of pitstops like he had originally claimed) and the respective race strategies were split to counteract the possibility of the safety car being brought into play during the race.

redbulletinandnorberthaug.jpgThat will explain why Lewis Hamilton looked like someone had stolen the candles from his 6th birthday cake then after the race. We can’t help but think that Ron will be in need of that safety car himself before long if the reaction in the British Press is anything to go by. It will be interesting to see how Retentive Ron worms his way out of this one after putting his foot totally in it with only a few million witnesses to hand. However press releases emerging from the McLaren team are suggesting the team are not concerned about the FIA investigation into the tactics, probably because the cantankerous old crackpot is more concerned about what Norbert Haug will be reading about him in the next addition of his favourite humourous publication the RED bulletin.

What one would give right now to be a fly on the wall at Ferrari, after enduring countless complaints about their cars, tactics, drivers, costumes and just about everything else at the hand of McLaren they must be having a good old titter about it all over at Maranello.

michaelescapes.jpgShortly after the race had concluded Ferrari “Advisor” Michael Schumacher was seen donning a ‘stig’ disguise and disappearing off like a rocket on his motorbike, no doubt escaping the circuit not quite believing it wasn’t him under siege for once.

Meanwhile Ferrari CEO Jean Todt is trying to calm down the tifosi, who seem to be getting their own undergarments in a knot about the performances of their Flying Finn Kimi Raikkonen. According to the feisty little Ferrari Jedi-Master, we should not be at all concerned about Ferrari’s performance in the Monaco Grand Prix. The Frenchman claiming the performance was a one off and that Ferrari will be pushing as hard as ever in future to take the challenge to their rivals. Todt has suggested that the team expected they would not fair as well at Monaco but believe they have documentation and data to suggest they will be performing much better at the Canadian Grand Prix.

When questioned about the size of the margin between Kimi’s points in the championship and those of the leaders who are 15 points ahead, Jean dismissed the concept that the gap was getting too large to rectify. “If there were two races to go, then a 15 point deficit would be impossible. But 15 points and 12 races to go, which is an average of 1.25 points per race, that is not so much”. Of course not Jean, but you might want to point out to Kimi that is 1.25 extra points per race required, not 1.25 extra bottles of Finlandia Vodka per night.

Double World Champion Fernando Alonso also thought he might as well stick his oar in considering just about everyone else has, and commented that Kimi must not make any more mistakes if he is to stand any chance of keeping in touch with the championship title leaders. According to the Spaniard the next mistake Kimi makes will render it nigh on impossible for Kimi to catch up, not to mention probably getting a lynching from a few angry italians….that’s assuming Kimi actually gives two figs.

Nando went on smuggly that he was very pleased with his own progress so far and if he continued to score points in a similar vein as he has done so far, he is hoping to have the championship all sown up by the tenth race of the season (Nurburgring). Not if the FIA have anything to do with it sonny-jim.

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