After the recriminations, backstabbing, handbag slinging and petulant behaviour that has been dominating Formula 1 of late, like us here at FFN we can imagine you were all looking forward to some on track action for a change.

If you were unlucky enough to spend your time this past weekend watching the qualifying and race from Budapest, no doubt you were sorely disappointed compared to the spectacle we had at the Nurburgring two weeks ago.

Qualifying

The tone for Hungarian Grand Prix was set on Saturday during the qualifying sessions.

Ferrari made a cock up of enormous proportions forgetting to fuel Felipe Massa in Qualy 2 as he was about to go out on track to set a hot lap, meaning the poor Brazilian poppet had to stop half way down the pitlane and be recovered back by his mechanics. The ensuing loss of heat to his tyres in this cafuffle meaning Felipe was unable to even post a time good enough to get him into the final top ten shoot out. This slightly important oversight on Ferrari’s part at a track where overtaking is nigh on impossible in a modern F1 car basically ruined the weekend for the diminutive star and annoyed the tifosi somewhat.

missing-crayons.jpgApparently the team admitting there was a mix up in communication between the pitwall and the garage that allowed the mistake to happen.

However we can exclusively reveal that the real reason behind this amateurish behaviour is due to the mysterious disappearance of Chief of Track Operations Luca Baldisserri’s crayons and colouring book. Rumour has it he was unable to right FUEL in big colour letters on the back of his hand as he usually does, and consequently forgot to inform the garage. So if anyone sees any former Ferrari chief mechanics in possession of a multipack of Crayolla….

The Kimster faired slightly better, being able to qualify in fourth position on a mickey mouse circuit Ferrari just didn’t seem to be dialled into.

Over at McLaren, it was pretty evident that their two cars were indeed going to be on the front row of the grid. Here at FFN we were slightly bemused when in the last few minutes of qualifying, McLaren cars began queuing like number 10 buses in the McLaren pitbox.

For some strange reason, despite being waved on by one of his mechanics Fernando Alonso appeared to be sipping a cup of tea, reading the Times Newspaper and doing the crossword while the seconds quickly counted down towards the end of the session.

This delay on returning to the track and allowing team mate Lewis ITV Lovechild Hamilton to pit, meant Lewis was unable to get around the track in time to start one last flying lap, basically gifting pole to the opinionated Spaniard.

The natural assumption was that Nando had deliberately impeded his team-mate. Here at FFN we really can’t understand the huge outcry this provoked, any action that sees Ron Dennis storming down the pitlane in a rage should be thoroughly applauded. However, you know the British Press….

ronandnandogoforagrilling.jpgSubsequently the actions of Fernando, Lewis and McLaren Co were put under investigation by the race stewards, who we suspect were surrounded and vastly outnumbered in their tiny office by an army of outraged partisan British Media hacks.

After several rounds of Domino’s pizza, jugs of warm Stella Artois, and interrogating McLaren personnel by threatening to pull out their toenails the beleaguered race stewards had to finally get around to making a decision.

Evidently they thought it would be good fun to annoy Ron Dennis some more to test the hypothesis that his head might explode with too much ongoing stress. The Race Stewards deciding not only to infer Nando was telling porky-pies, but to send him back to sixth spot on the grid (which on that circuit might as well have been the back) and to refuse to allow McLaren to secure any World Championship Constructors points for the race.

To put the cherry on top of the cake, they thought it only fair to do us all a favour and refuse McLaren personnel entry to the podium in the event they should win, meaning that they would be unable to collect any shiny pots for their trophy cabinet.

The Race

If you haven’t wandered off by now to watch paint dry, and we can’t really blame you….the race was a fairly dull affair…leading us to wonder why on earth Bernie wants to drop some more exciting circuits from the F1 calendar and leave this processional yawn fest on it.

With Nando relegated down to sixth spot on the grid, and Felipe Massa languishing down amongst the likes of Honda and Scuderia Torro Rosso, it was left for the other title protagonists Kimi Raikkonen and Lewis Hamilton to put on a show.

kimis-start.jpgKimi got off to a good start managing to barge past the BMW-Sauber of Nick Heidfeld into the first corner (proving that calling your son Yoda really does not give you ways with the force) and managed to keep within striking distance of Luke Skywalker (I mean Lewis).

However it would seem no matter how the Ferrari team tried, they just couldn’t get Kimi past the Englishman and Kimi had to spend the rest of the race staring at the back of Lewis’s car while compiling his weekly grocery shopping list.

Down in 14th place Massa seemed to be making a complete hams-fist of things, and not seemingly able to do anything about getting past slower cars. Whether this was because he was carrying a fuel load tantamount to that of an industrial fuel-tanker, on the wrong tyres or if he had lost the plot we can’t tell because by this point we had already fallen asleep and were snoring our heads off in the armchair.

We should really point out that Spyker’s new boy Yamamoto carried on the team’s fine tradition of randomly parking their cars into any available tyre wall, and they wonder how they struggle to get sponsors? the adverts don’t seem to stay intact on the car for more than a few minutes!

On lap 19 race leader Lewis and Kimi Raikkonen came into the pits at the same time, leading us to wonder if Baldo had just lost his crayons….or if his marbles have gone slightly awry as well. Lewis subsequently rejoined the racetrack ahead of Kimi, for a few more laps of going round pointlessly in circles.

6 hours later (well it seemed like it) Felipe eventually came into pit on lap 35, which put him out on track in front of race leader Lewis Hamilton albeit about to get lapped. Presumably this was Ferrari’s idea to slow down the rampaging Englishman until the Kimster could do something about it.

No doubt Ferrari were hoping that Felipe might have a go at knocking the Englishman’s sidepod clean off should he attempt to overtake him on track. Unfortunately it didn’t seem that Felipe was in the mood for an afternoon of swearing and altercations this week, so eventually Lewis got past after a few blue flags were waved in Massa’s direction.

A few laps later Super Aguri’s Ant Davidson found himself unexpectedly in the gravel trap with broken suspension after attempting to overtake Renault’s Giancarlo Fisichella. The Italian throwing a wobbly at being supposedly passed by a Super Aguri and decided it would be better to break his rivals car than risk getting overtaken and the subsequent pleasure of a good verbal rollocking live on radio yet again. Shortly afterwards Scuderia Torro Rosso’s Tonio Liuzzi drove straight into the STR garage to retire from the race, and no doubt enjoy a good round of fisticuffs with team boss Frank Toast.

nando-and-ralfie.jpgMeanwhile Double World Champion Fernando Alonso was circulating around behind the Toyota of Ralf Schumacher, and was perhaps wondering that Ralf had been taking driving instructions from his current team mate Trulli Awful. The McLaren appearing to be the faster car, but seemingly unable to get past the moving chicanery in front of him.

More pitstops ensued (or so we are told, we were too busy snoring if you remember) and not much else of interest happening on track. Fernando Alonso after being released by Schumacher pitting, was able to hunt down Chewbacca Heidfeld. The spaniard applying a lot of pressure to the young German, but seemingly Nick and his voluminous beard did not notice the menacing Spaniard behind him and managed to hold onto third spot.

Shortly after Lewis was able to bring his car home for his third win of the year, with the Kimster not far behind. McLaren Team Boss Ron Dennis was left looking like he was going to burst into tears and provide us with the most excitement all afternoon, unfortunately Mo-Ron was not that sporting and failed to oblige. Well there is still the Court of Appeal, we live in hope.

topthree.jpgNow that yawn-fest is behind us, we can only look forward with great excitement to the Turkish Grand Prix in 3 weeks time (26th August).

Will McLaren have been thrown in jail by then? Will Jean Todt have come up with some more excuses for Ferrari’s woeful performances? Will Alonso and Lewis be sporting black eyes? and will Baldo ever find his missing Crayons?

Tune in to find out.

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