I could have sworn just a few days ago former World Champion and ex-McLaren driver Mika Hakkinen was telling us not to worry about the internal rivalry between the driver pairing at McLaren.

According to the Finn, McLaren CEO Ron Dennis knew what he was doing and could handle it. Suffice to say a few days later we are in great admiration of Ron’s fine handling skills.

bestofbuddies.jpgFernando Alonso and Lewis Hamilton are reportedly not talking to each other in the wake of the Hungarian GP Qualifying Debacle, and Alonso has reportedly issued an ultimatum to the team (it’s me or him sort of thing).

It would seem the Double World Champion was under the misguided illusion that when he became a McLaren man, the red carpet would be getting rolled out, everyone would be on their hands and knees bowing in deference and Lewis would be left to lick his racing boots.

Unfortunately for the opinionated Spaniard, things haven’t gone to plan, Lewis didn’t even bother reading the script and and his childhood dream of driving for McLaren is now turning rapidly into his worse nightmare (i.e. he is getting beaten by his rookie team mate).

If rumours are to be believed young Fernando is so unhappy at McLaren that he is looking to jump ship back to his old team Renault at the end of the season. We are thinking things must be desperate if you want to demote yourself half way down the grid to drive a car that looks like you’ve just throw up all over it. But then on the other hand being stuck in a garage with Ron and that grinning English upstart all year is enough to make anyone slightly nauseous, so where is the difference?

Meanwhile if the Italian Media are to be believed Nando’s teammate Lewis Hamilton could very soon find himself in Maranello. Rumour has it Ferrari are very interested in signing the Englishman in the belief he is the next Schumacher, albeit slightly better tanned and with less bizarre fashion sense, but the same ability to annoy the hell out of his team mates.

It is thought Ferrari are looking to utilise the chaos in McLaren’s camp to their advantage and steal Ron’s protegee from under his nose. (Well it worked with Kimi didn’t it?). Obviously the Maranello Squad are hoping young Lewis has been too busy in his spat with his current team mate to notice small amateurish oversights on their part, such as absent-mindedly forgetting to refuel their cars on occasion, giving their secrets away to the opposition and breaking down at any given moment with mysterious technical glitches.

ronponders.jpgOn top of these startling developments in the McLaren camp, poor Ron has admitted to being emotionally drained, sick to the back teeth of both his drivers, and is heading off on a vacation which some are touting is in fact the beginning of his retirement. Here at FFN we can really emphathise, we get sick to the back teeth of our drivers on a weekly basis, unfortunately though we don’t get to go on any jollies, so we just stick pencils up our nose and wear underpants on our heads instead.

We can only assume that right now Ron is wondering why on earth he didn’t keep Juan Pablo Montoya and Kimi Raikkonen. At least a few burgers and a few beer tokens kept that pair quiet and out of mischief, and they didn’t carry on like a bunch of bickering fourteen year old girls.

Still while he is lying on a beach somewhere contemplating just how everything got in such a mess to start with, Ron can console himself that at least the FIA Court of Appeal that is scheduled for September 13th will be more straightforward than pandering to the whims of his egotistical driver pairing.

If reports are to be believed the Ronster approached the Italian Press to offer to meet with Ferrari CEO Jean Todt to try and settle the whole spying/sabotaging/letter-writing saga amicably and without the involvement of a bunch of wrinkled old prunes at the FIA. Although quite why he had to contact the Italian Newspapers we are not sure, because we are pretty convinced Jean Todt’s home phone number must have been in that 780 page dossier somewhere. Well it can’t be 780 pages of car pictures surely?

Ron was apparantly keen to meet and sort the issue out man-to-man (or bald man to small midget), because the date the FIA were touting for the court of Appeal (Sept 13th) clashed with Ron’s monthly shampoo, blow dry and set at the hairdressers.

jeantodt1.jpgHowever Feisty Ferrari CEO Jean Todt is having none of it. “I would have preferred if he had made this proposal four months ago,” Todt told Sky Italia. “At that point, it would have been beneficial, and we could have avoided many damages for the image of Formula One and the grave consequences suffered by Ferrari.”

Presumably Jean has witnessed some of Ron’s ‘War and Peace’ length missives to Italian FIA delegate Luigi Macaluso, and is in favour of coming out of a meeting while he is still alive and not being carried out in a box. So the spying spat must go to the Court of Appeal after all, where at least there will be a time-out for sandwiches and sausage rolls.

While Ron sits on a beach somewhere worrying about all this internal chaos and how he is ever going to sort it all out, he has one consolation to thank his lucky stars for…..at least his hair won’t fall out due to the stress.