This week the F1 fraternity has relocated from Malaysia, to the hot sandy sunny climes of the Kingdom of Bahrain. Even though the season is barely two races old, already the gossip and scandal mongering has reached near epidemic proportions.
You may remember roughly two weeks back (what’s a few days between friends?) that Ferrari’s ickle Felipe Massa was left with a complexion to rival the colour scheme of his F2008, when the poor poppet spun out of a second solid points paying position and bedded his car into the gravel trap with great panache.
Unfortunately this unforeseen turn of events brought his Grand Prix Completion Tally for the season to a big fat zero, which is to be expected if your driving a Super Aguri…but not one of the World’s most famous Marques, allegedly.
Despite the team checking his car and the telemetry, no obvious reason could be found for the uncharacteristic spin, leaving the poor little mite protesting his innocence and having to endure the slings and arrows of the paddock press (and just about anyone else that felt like getting their considered expert opinion into print).
Little did we all know that while the scavenging ‘Crows of Doom’ were circling above ickle Felipe’s bonce, something far bigger was about to unfold and scandalise us all.
Many times in the past, here at FFN we have found it rather irksome to read and listen to the fanbase of rival teams making claims that our beloved Ferrari enjoy a very special relationship with the sports governing body the FIA (The Federation of Idiots and Amateurs, as we fondly call them).
Especially when you consider the number of times that 7 times World Champion Michael Schumacher got black flagged, red flagged, demoted to the bottom of the grid and stripped of all his world championship points for his on-track shenanigans. It certainly didn’t feel all that special on those occasions, we can assure you.
In light of recent events where FIA President Max Mosley has kindly stepped into the limelight and saved ickle Felipe’s head from the proverbial F1 chopping block, we are having to begrudgingly admit maybe there maybe something special to this relationship after all.
Last Sunday morning we all woke up to the unexpected news that FIA President Max Mosley had been caught out by a tabloid newspaper, while up to no good. According to the revelations in said tabloid publication, Max had been caught carrying out extra-curricular activities in a dungeon (not the FIA’s for the record), with five ladies with a penchant for dressing up and a DVD copy of Prisoner Cell Block H.
Immediately this caused all manner of uproar and lengthy tomes of discussion across the internet, about what these revelations could mean for the Presidency of the FIA. Surely someone getting caught paying to safety test various punishment-based paraphenalia outside of FIA office hours is taking things a bit too far? Especially when you consider all the opportunities McLaren presented free of charge for such things last season.
Unfortunately, the F1 fraternity has not seen the unfortunate expose of the episode in quite the light intended.
Instead of being impressed that Max during his tenure of the FIA Presidency, had found the time to make close acquaintance with five young ladies and spend five hours having tea and hot cross buns with them, there has been growing calls today from the Manufacturers BMW, Toyota, Honda and Mercedes for the FIA to clarify their stance on the matter.
This has lead to the beleaguered President calling an extraordinary meeting of the FIA to discuss the matter, we do hope all those pacemakers will be up to the daunting challenge and no physical re-enactments will be involved.
According to recent reports, the Crown Prince of Bahrain has written to the FIA President in light of the alleged affair, and suggested it would not be appropriate for him to attend the forthcoming Bahrain Grand Prix.
While it was initially thought this was to ensure the unfortunate dungeon-based debacle did not overshadow the forthcoming event, scurrulous rumours are suggesting the real reason is an entirely different matter.
According to the very same scurroulous suggestions, it is thought there may be a heightened level of concern for the safety and continuing good reputation of the plethora of men that are wont to swan about Sakhir in dresses with tea-towels on their heads.
After all at 67 years old, the odd beard and moustache is not that unusual amongst some women (we know we have seen it) and it wouldn’t do for some of the Bahraini Royal Family to be inadvertently whisked off by mistake.
Whilst on route to the circuit today, our intrepid reporter also observantly noted several newly erected signs at the side of the road….which to all intents and purposes looks like the Bahraini Royal Family are trying to discourage anyone over the age of 50 from attending Sunday’s Motorsports Event. (Bernie apparently doesn’t count due to the fact he is no taller than the average 12 year old with a haircut to match).
Meanwhile, Ferrari’s ickle Felipe has been breathing a huge sigh of relief (thanks to Max). Former team-mate and mentor Michael Schumacher has stepped to the defence of the Brazilian star, commenting that ickle Felipe knows how to deal with the pressure being heaped upon him and there is no reason why he cannot pull out a good performance in Bahrain similar to last year.
However the former Champion admitted that ickle Felipe has used up all his current jokers in the opening two rounds of the championship and can’t afford any more, we just hope here at FFN that Felipe has been playing SNAP and not something more salacious.
Unfortunately the Brazilian’s poor start to the 2008 season, has inevitably lead to suggestions that he is about to be replaced contrary to whatever Ferrari spokesman Luca Colajanni has stated in recent media reports.
One such person being touted as Felipe’s replacement for next year is Renault’s Fernando Alonso, according to….well Fernando. The Double World Champion has been remarkably restrained this season, if you consider that after the Australian Grand Prix in 2007 after just one race with the McLaren team he was already in discussions to play musical team chairs.
This time he has managed to last two Grand Prix before kindly informing anyone with a red sweater within twenty paces that he has a clause in his current contract that would allow him to leave Renault, if Ferrari would please come and get him kiss kiss wink wink.
We understand the Spaniard has even taken to sewing his name onto his team t-shirt in big letters, in the unlikely event that Ferrari President Luca di Montezemolo has a senior moment and forgets his name. God Forbid.
In other news, after McLaren were stripped of all their constructors championship points last year by the FIA for their part in the Stepneygate saga, it was initially thought the Woking based team would be demoted as per the rule book to the bottom of the pile for choosing garages in the pitlane. Apparently the championship winning team get first dibs, followed by the second and so forth, with the slightly red faces of McLaren coming last behind Force 1ndia.
However, it is understood that an agreement was made over the winter with Bernie Ecclestone to allow the team to take fifth placed slot, which would ensure the team could fit their behemoth Media centre into the alloted area in the paddock parking lot. And indeed in Australia and Malaysia this was the case.
But in what could be deemed a parting shot, the FIA President (Max Mosley lest you have forgotten him already) has demanded that the team be relocated to the bottom of the pitlane amidst rumours that other teams have complained about this favouritist treatment.
An apology has been issued to the fans who had brought tickets with the sole purpose of being seated opposite from the McLaren Garage (presumably a bunch of irate Spaniards), and McLaren have indeed been squeezed like oranges into the two furthest garages in the pitlane, whilst championship rivals Ferrari get to swan about the top spot with four.
Never a dull moment in F1, that is “for sure”.