The FIA Verdict: Whatever Next?

It’s been an interesting couple of days to say the least. We have seen at least one of the ten commandments being rewritten from “Thou shalt not steal” to “Thou shalt steal by all means if you feel like it, just don’t leave evidence of usage”. Flavio Briatore claims he is baffled by FIA’s decision, and he can rest assured he is not the only one scratching his head in confusion – infact a substantial portion of the population is no doubt stymied by this one. It is not everyday that “Guilty, but no punishments…let’s all go home” verdicts are handed out by a deciding body. The FIA certainly moves in mysterious ways its gaffes to perform. I mean, if I am going to make a jackass of myself, I would rather do it discretely than to convene an extraordinary meeting and look silly before a global audience.

Some websites have been attempting to drown out the fact that McLaren didn’t suspend Coughlan till after the entire world knew about it, instead repeatedly harping on Nigel Stepney and buried bodies. You know what Nige said as to knowing “where the bodies are buried”….speaking figuratively of course, in case you go about getting other ideas. I suspect while these supposed ‘bodies’ might lead to a few sensational headlines along the lines of “Ferrari Shocker! The Truth about Jean Todt’s Red Jumper!“, “Has Ross Brawn ever really caught a live fish?“, “Did Schumi steal the pepper bottle from Ferrari cafeteria?” or even “Baldisserri caught wearing padded shoes to increase height” and “Is Byrne an alien from Krypton?“,  these are hardly likely to do Ferrari any permanent damage. “Nothing has changed. It is right that the world championship is won on the track” says Stepney, “I remain calm”. Well, if I were him, I wouldn’t be so dashed calm…things aren’t looking so great actually. And does ‘won on track’ include sneaking behind the employer’s back and sabotaging championship hopes?

Jean Todt is not terribly pleased with the current state of things, and that’s because he signed an agreement with McLaren for a better working relationship only a month back. I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem to me right now that these two teams are on particularly chummy terms. But that agreement was signed before Ferrari came to know they would be sharing more than just goodwill with McLaren, and they certainly don’t remember agreeing to share all their design secrets. Jean Todt feels someone in McLaren ought to have warned him that Stepney was leaking like a sieve, and you can’t really blame Todt for feeling reproachful.

Meanwhile other team principals are livid that McLaren have gained an unfair advantage by taking a peek at the Ferrari documents. “We want to take a look too” demands a team boss who doesn’t wish to be named, “It is apparently legal to look at them or photocopy them as long as we don’t show our design documents to Ferrari. That way they ain’t going to be able to tell if we used anything”. You have to concede he has a point, so what’s the FIA going to do now? Montezemolo says “I just want to say to our fans, who are contacting Ferrari from all over the world and who are offended by the decision taken yesterday in Paris, that they can stay calm because this story doesn’t end here”. We certainly hope not. Forza.

 

FIA: McLaren possess Ferrari Documents, but Not Guilty

Nothing?! Not even a ruddy fine? “The WMSC is satisfied that Vodafone McLaren Mercedes was in possession of confidential Ferrari information and is therefore in breach of article 151c of the International Sporting Code,” says the verdict, “However, there is insufficient evidence that this information was used in such a way as to interfere improperly with the FIA Formula One World Championship. We therefore impose no penalty“. Oh well, clearly it is no big deal to be in breach of article 151c of the International Sporting Code then, so why have it in the first place? I still can’t get my head around the fact that 780 pages of Ferrari confidential information including car design, performance data and strategy permutations were clearly proven to have been in the possession of a chief rival, and still nothing was done about it. Unless there is a sub-clause to article 151c that says “You can violate article 151c till your eyes bubble, but no sanctions shall be imposed to deter you from the same”….or perhaps sounding a tad more legal as Ferrari has worded it in their press release – “possession, knowledge at the very highest level and use of highly confidential information acquired in an illicit manner and the acquiring of confidential information over the course of several months, represent violations that do not carry any punishment“.  I think it is fair to say that a chief designer has some say in the design of the car? Right then.

Now that it is apparent that 151c is nothing more than a filler between articles 151b and 151d and nobody attributes any real importance to it, whatever happened to Respondeat Superior? You know, the thingie that says the employer shall be held liable for the professional misdeeds of the employee? Oh right, I forgot, the mysterious subclause stipulates that it is not exactly a professional misdeed to swipe confidential documents from a rival or to be privy to their car data as long as you don’t put “Made in Maranello” stickers on your car parts. If reports are to be believed and certain persons in the top management were aware of the possession of Ferrari data, that would explain why they did not deem it fit to fire or suspend Coughlan immediately and inform Ferrari of the same, and instead chose to wait around till the information was outed by the local photocopier shop. If only Ferrari had taken the time to scan the sub-clauses in the International Sporting Code properly, they could have at least saved on the flight tickets to Paris. Well,  Montezemolo had the right idea though by keeping his ‘body in Maranello’ which is what I believe they charge flight tickets for (“My body is in Maranello but my thoughts are in Paris. We must absolutely expose disloyal behavior in Formula One“).

Now FIA has informed us that they will holding a hearing for Stepney and Coughlan to allow them to justify their behavior and argue why they should not be banned for a substantial period of time. What behavior? It has all been deemed perfectly legal as far as I can understand…is your head spinning a bit too? Here we are at FFN striving to bring some humor into F1 proceedings, while FIA seem capable of achieving the same with no apparent effort…it’s just not fair 😉 . That is what this championship has been reduced to anyway – one grand joke. Just like article 151c….not to mention the FIA and their ‘extraordinary meetings’. Extraordinary indeed! As always, Forza Ferrari.

 

Ferrari employ Chicago rules, Speed Out at STR?

Yesterday you may remember we brought you the news that ‘Our Nige’ or Mr. Stepney as he is otherwise known had hired a private detective in his bid to clear his name in the Stepneygate-Coughlan Murder Mystery (I mean Espionage).

Today it seems Ferrari have gone one better, and hired themselves a former English Chief Police Commissioner going by the name of Lord Stevens to investigate the alleged leaking of technical information to McLaren. Lord Stevens has previous experience of investigating the murkier side of the sports world having already led the investigation into football ‘bungs’ following on from TV claims of back-handers and bribes in the beautiful game. So it looks like he is the best guy for the job and considering McLaren’s Mike Coughlan does not appear to be the sharpest pencil in the box…well we can only think the brown stuff is going to hit the fan sooner or later.

Here at FFN we are wondering if ‘Our Nige’s’ Magnum PI is feeling out of his depth already. Nothing like Chicago rules is there? We are eagerly awaiting to see if Our Nige can top it. Obviously the thought of a private detective and an ex-Chief Police Commissioner running around Maranello, playing at cops and robbers and popping caps left, right and centre hasn’t crossed our minds.

Meanwhile it has been confirmed that Ferrari’s CEO Jean Todt has turned down the chance to meet with Nigel Stepney in person to thrash out just what the devil has been going on. We can only assume Ferrari are terrified of what else might abscond off in the trouser pockets of Mr Stepney should he ever set foot again on Maranello soil, and we just can’t have Ron Dennis turning up next Grand Prix in Jean’s ever permanent trusty red sweater! Either that or Ferrari are already aware of where they have ‘buried their bodies’ and feel they do not need Nige’s kindly meant assistance in pointing them out to all and sundry.

In other news, it is rumoured that it is only a matter of time before Scott Speed is shown the door by the Scuderia Torro Rosso F1 team. Scott broke cover yesterday and told it like it is. (Which makes a change considering his propensity to exaggerate about the size of certain appendages). Speed accused team boss Franz Tost of losing it and assaulting him by punching him in the back after he crashed his car at turn 1 in the rain soaked chaos strewn Grand Prix last Sunday.

We are a little baffled quite why Tost should have lost the plot with Scott this time. Especially considering at least five other Formula 1 drivers all ended up in the same parking lot including golden boy Lewis Hamilton, not to mention team-mate Liuzzi parking his car neatly into the side of a tractor.

It’s not like it’s the first time the hapless STR driver pairing have crashed out is it? Here at FFN we would have thought Tost would be half expecting it by now. Maybe he wants to thank his lucky stars he doesn’t have Japanese Stars Takuma Sato or Yuji Ide to deal with on a weekly basis or he could really be pulling his hair out, sticking pencils up his nose, clucking like a chicken and getting shipped off to the funny farm.

Speed declared yesterday that no amount of money would ever tempt him to work with Gerhard Berger and Franz Tost again (why do I feel suddenly hungry?).

Scott is currently testing for STR in Mugello in Italy, ahead of the next Grand Prix in Hungary on the 5th August 2007.

When asked by Autosport Team Boss Franz Tost if Speed would still be driving for STR in Hungary unequivocally said ‘Yes’. However, if current paddock rumours are to be believed it might not be long before Scott is looking for alternative employment.

Never mind Scott, we hear that with NASCAR’s Juan Pablo Montoya’s eating habits there are always plenty of positions going at McDonald’s.

 

Coughlan Wrongly Accused? Schumi Update

It has just surfaced that all reliable news sources (including FFN 😉 ) might have wrongly accused Mike Coughlan of photocopying sensitive Ferrari design information – he just scanned it into a CD instead. While a lot of us have questioned Coughlan’s intelligence in taking the above mentioned documents to a public photocopying shop where it could potentially be spotted, it appears we have actually over-estimated the gray cell content. It is reported that Coughlan simply handed it right over to the copy shop personnel and asked them to transfer its contents into a CD (Autosport also reveals that the Surrey copy shop that tipped off Ferrari about Coughlan having the 780-page dossier was asked to scan the information in order to transfer it into electronic format and in to a computer disc). Well, what can we say? There’s one thing to be said in favor of Coughlan – clearly the man has no experience in crime. Even a sixth grade student reading the occasional Enid Blyton mystery would know that if you are going to do something illegal, it is preferable to be discreet about it. It’s the same kind of logic that dictates that if you commit a murder, you really mustn’t advertise for help in disposing the body. When someone is patiently scanning in a 780 page document for you, what is the probability that they would notice the prancing horse symbol and a bright red ‘Confidential’ stamp on every page? Pretty high? I thought so too.

Michael Schumacher has landed himself in a bit of a soup by admitting that “Lewis Hamilton is one reason worth switching on the television for“. Clearly this hasn’t gone down too well with the Ferrari management, who were under the impression that Michael watches all races on TV and meticulously takes down notes to enhance Ferrari’s chances, not put his feet up and admire Hamilton instead. Montezemolo is not happy, and if Schumi’s not careful, he is going to end up with the Stilo that Luca di has been attempting to plant on Kimi since the start of this season. What’s more, Schumi and LH seem to have formed some kind of mutual fan club with each full of effusive praise for the other (Hamilton: “It is amazing to hear such praise from him, it has given me a big boost to hear that from someone who I watched so often on the television and for so long“). Charming of course, but Schumi and Hamilton seem to be under the impression that watching someone on television is a mark of admiration and respect – clearly they have never aimlessly channel-surfed. The media is getting increasingly impatient with the 7 time world champion mucking around and not doing anything, and there are now rumors that he is all set to head the Ferrari road car division. Just when he has finally managed to convince everyone that he is not the secret team boss at Ferrari…nor is he buying STR in the forseeable future. Schumi will be present in Frankfurt on September 11th to unveil the Ferrari F430 Scuderia. Forza.

 

Stepneygate & The Wrong Trousers

According to recent reports in the Media, our Nige is seeking a meeting with the Maranello bods in an attempt to clear his name.

Apparently Nige says he is ready to speak to Ferrari CEO Jean Todt (the short feisty nail biting yoda look-alike) and President Luca Di Montezemolo (He of the tractor infamy), in an attempt to distance himself from the espionage/sabotage/Honda absconding F1 soap opera. That is one meeting we would love to be a fly on the wall for.

“I want to clear my position with Ferrari; I want to let everyone understand it’s nothing to do with me.” stated Nige. “And I want to reveal some names of people inside Ferrari who had more interest than myself in doing what I’m unfairly accused of” and “I have nothing against the team and I could never have done such things. I repeat: it’s a conspiracy.”

There is nothing better than a good old conspiracy is there? That way just about anyone can be to blame for everything including those little green men from Mars. I wonder if the Modena District Attorney has been thoughtful enough to check out if there are any grassy knolls and book repositories in the vicinity of Maranello.

Meanwhile, Italian Newspaper Corriere della Sera have apparently obtained a copy of the Modena Police Report investigation into the mysterious white powder fiasco.

According to the Italian Newspaper, Stepney was first interrogated by the police on May 18th (the day after a mechanic reportedly found white powder around Kimi and Felipe’s race cars), where they confiscated a pair of trousers from which they obtained a sample of the white powder in question.

Our Nige is apparently reported as saying at the time “I really can’t say how that sand has ended up in my pockets,” and “Anyone could have put it there. Last night I left the trousers unattended in the changing room while I was taking a shower.” There goes my theory on washing powder then.

It’s all becoming strangely familiar. If Nigel is innocent, then the trousers are evidently to blame for the latest Maranello crime spree.

Let’s look at the ingredients so far in the Stepneygate Saga. An English lad being accused of all sorts of dastardly crimes by his employer, some mysterious powder, and now some confiscated mechanical trousers…. Now where have we seen this before? So far the only missing ingredient is that rascal penguin.

While Ferrari (and the rest of us) are struggling to get their heads around just what has been going on, it seems all sorts of confusion is running amok over at Woking. We can’t keep up. The story seems to change on an hourly basis, it seems no-one can decide if it’s just Mike Coughlan that has been turning Ferrari dossiers into exclusive front room decor, or if Martin Whitmarsh, Paddy Lowe and Jonathan Neale have been joining in the fun as well. But they shouldn’t worry too much if they can’t make their minds up as the FIA is rumoured to be coming to their rescue.

Apparently Spanish FIA delegate Joaquin Verdegay has kindly popped out of the woodwork and given his considered opinion to the media on what should happen on July 26th at the specially convened World Motorsports Council. “Certainly what I hope happens is that Dennis’ team do not even get a reprimand, because it is almost impossible to prove anything,” our popular Spanish friend is reported as saying. Now here at FFN we don’t go about as a rule splitting hairs and picking faults and whatnot, but aren’t you supposed to actually listen to the evidence first before you pass judgement?

Of course now the FIA are none to pleased that one of their delegates has been tittle-tattling to the F1 hacks, it seems Verdegay has denied ever making the statement. Remind you of any other Spaniard we know? Was he separated at birth from Fernando Alone-so? We demand to be told.

Meanwhile it seem’s McLaren are adamant their car bears absolutely no passing resemblance to the F2007 whatsoever.

 

Of Poaching Employees, Mass Exodus and Customer Cars

Bernie Ecclestone is being urged to end the customer car row. Now there are two kinds of customer car scenarios – teams like Honda and Red Bull that share their chassis willingly with Super Aguiri and STR, and teams like Ferrari that aren’t quite aware till much later that they are indeed sharing their chassis with…erm…other teams. Needless to say we are only talking about the first category here, for the second needs to be settled in court. That said, the general idea would be for Bernie to corner all the team principals into one room and get them to stop bickering for just long enough so as to get a few legal documents signed. Bernie apparently nearly achieved this impossible task during the Silverstone weekend, when all team bosses actually ‘verbally’ agreed on a few compromises. But as the entire place (covering a 20 mile radius) had run out of A grade paper (it is rumored serial-photocopier Mike Coughlan was in the neighborhood and had used up all the supplies), they had to leave it at that. For this weekend, a spokesman says Bernie has already packed in the required stationary along with his toothbrush and socks, but now STR has backed out of the verbal agreement, and we are all back to square one. Who said it was easy being Bernie Ecclestone?

And Bernie’s not the only one pulling his hair out in the paddock, BMW appears to be in some trouble as well. Having mastered the art of interpreting windtunnel readings, their engineers are in much demand from other teams who are still having problems sorting out which end of the windtunnel is which. If reports are to be believed (and they usually are), having already lost chief designer Jorg Zander and senior aerodynamicist John Owens to Honda, they have lost another aero guy Martin Bester to Williams. Williams has just installed a supercomputer with their wind tunnel setup, and apart from the occassional game of solitaire they are not really sure what to do with it. And that’s not all. There are rumors that two more aerodynamicists who went for a short stroll down the paddock were never seen again…well, not in the BMW camp at least. They are current rumored to be in the Renault payroll. BMW has been so affected by this mass exodus that they have been reduced to advertizing on Autosport for their chief designer position (honest!!) and till now they have received only a single application from Mike Coughlan. Needless to say they are going to wait for other applicants before arriving at a decision.

Meanwhile, it is quite well known that STR’s Gerhard Berger isn’t exactly a big fan of either Scott Speed or Vitantonio Liuzzi, and Liuzzi hasn’t won any brownie points by complaining about the STR reliability to the media. The STR management no doubt feels that if Liuzzi stopped spinning his car and started driving in straight lines, he might be able to evaluate the reliability a bit better. Now Berger has admitted to being deeply impressed by Sebastian Vettel – “The boy impresses me. He has brains and the right attitude for the job – and that is already half of everything you need” – and this doesn’t bode too well for Speed or Liuzzi. Luckily, Speed is not dependant on the STR seat for earning a living, as he obviously has other talents.

Forza.

 

Press Speculation, Departures and Wind Tunnels

The McLaren Mercedes F1 team is apparently deeply concerned about media speculation. One would have thought they should be used to it by now, as the McLaren machinery that pumps out their press statements (also known as the Discombobulation Discourse Department) has been causing all sorts of ruminations this year, with contradictory statements flying out on a daily basis. You may remember Monaco, enough said.

McLaren according to reports are deeply concerned at the level of speculation and erroneous information flying about in the wake of the Stepneygate-Coughlan Saga. Of particular concern is the misleading and inaccurate information leaking out concerning legal documents filed in response to Ferrari’s High Court action in London in attempt to recover their intellectual property.

What the devil does it all mean? Basically as we understand it McLaren have got their long john’s in a twist that several media publications particularly in Italy are claiming to quote directly from the signed affidavit submitted by McLaren’s rogue employee Mike Cock-up Coughlan (We presume Mike did the honours with the photocopying and distribution then).

McLaren we suppose feel that these ‘leaked’ stories might get back to the FIA and come back to bite them on the bottom during the FIA World Motorsports Council meeting on July 26th. Although here at FFN we believe the Federation of Idiots and Amateurs is extremely busy. Probably working day and night making up ridiculous new rules and regulations to prevent any future excitement in the sport. We sincerely doubt they have time to be sitting around drinking tea and browsing quality tabloid Italian rag-sheets for gossip and slander.

Still what goes around comes around they do say, and years of crying “cheat” and snitching about their rivals to the FIA have come back with a vengeance. We are not finding it absolutely hilarious honestly.

One subject that has yet to attract any real attention of the F1 hacks and storytellers, is the immediate departure of Gil de Ferran from Honda. The previous Sporting Director announced he was leaving with immediate effect after the job had “not lived up to his expectations”.

Did it become too painful to watch the two Honda’s doing their best impressions of badly behaved supermarket trolleys year in year out? Or is the actual truth that de Ferran contracted permanent and painful Tinnitus, from having to sit next to Nick Fry on the pit wall jabbering inanely about challenging for the championship again this year? we will never know.

One conspiracy theory that might be doing the rounds about Gil’s departure, is the fact the promised 780 page dossier of how to build a championship winning car and team failed to arrive in the post. Allegedly Mike Coughlan spent all his pocket money on photocopies and humbugs, and couldn’t actually afford the stamps.

Of course in all seriousness this is just speculation and rumour, and probably has not one iota of truth in it…but since when did it stop us here at FFN making up utter baseless rubbish?

Finally Renault have come to the realisation that their wind tunnel is to blame for their lacklustre performance this year. Well the excuse worked for Honda, right? The previous World Champions have spent much of the season loitering around in the middle of the grid (and chivvying Fissy-fella along), but now at last seem to be making some inroads to developing their car in the right direction. Initially the team felt they had spent so much of their resources last year ensuring they won the championship, that they kinda forgot to concentrate on this year’s campaign as well. Doh!

However it is now revealed the results from the wind tunnel were a little bit over enthusiastic and were not translating to performance advantage once parts were developed on the car. If only Renault would realise they don’t need to spend millions on a high tech state of the art wind tunnel when they could just line up their vehicles in front of the McLaren Media home and take advantage of the current hot air emissions….

 

Stepneygate or Miami Vice?

Has anyone else noticed that since the Stepneygate Espionage/Sabotage Saga broke into the news a few weeks ago, the reports emanating from the media on a daily basis are beginning to sound more and more like an episode of Miami Vice than the story of a disgruntled 40 something employee?

On top of the rumours of clandestine meetings, secret parcels, stolen documents, dodgy photocopying and strange white powder…comes the latest part of the drama.

Nigel Stepney’s Lawyer Sonia Bartolini (whom I shall call Bertolli from now on as a common brand of Olive Oil is easier to remember) is claiming that our Nige is looking to sue the perpetrators who forced the Englishman to flee Italy in a state of panic. According to Nige, when he returned from his jollies in the Philippines both himself and his girlfriend were on the receiving end of some rather unpleasant attention. If reports are to be believed, Nige was involved in several high speed car chases with mysterious strangers in cars with Italian License Plates (and what would you expect in Italy, Vietnamese ones?) and on one occasion managed to corner one of the perpetrators who refused to speak. It wasn’t Kimi perchance was it? He’s not known for being a big talker we understand.

Nigel also claims that tracking gear was placed on his car, and his girlfriend Ash was stalked at the house. No doubt all of this is very frightening indeed and its no wonder Nige decided to flee the scene of the crime and go into hiding (hopefully he remembered to remove the tracking device first).

According to Nige’s Lawyer, Bertolli, they are investigating whom these mysterious perpetrators are by following up the license plates, and if it is found to belong to his former employers then Ferrari are going to be slapped with a lawsuit.

I can’t help wanting to point out the obvious, surely you’d recognise if it was one of your employers cars, by the fact they are usually red, have a prancing horse emblem on the bonnet and an ability to go at high speeds? To our knowledge, the only other vehicles to hand at Maranello are a Fiat Multipla and Luca Di’s tractor, and surely they would be a dead give-away. At least Nigel wasn’t driven off the road in an aggressive overtaking manoeuvre, otherwise all eyes and fingers might be pointing in Michael Schumacher’s direction by now.

We wish Nigel good luck with his lawsuit against Ferrari if this is the case, as it’s not very fair to get followed at home as well as at work…just imagine if your boss turned up at your house uninvited! We can’t help but feeling though the recompense he might get for being followed about by a few cars bearing Italian Plates compared to selling your employers top secrets to their biggest most bitter rivals, well he isn’t going to come out with much in the way of pocket change is he?

You may remember this whole sorry story began with reports of a mysterious white powder, which subsequently had its limelight stolen by a buffoon and his photocopying antics. Well according to the District Attorney in Modena Giuseppe Tibis, the investigation into Nige’s sherbet dip-dab is going on apace. It is reported that on the 3rd or 4th of August all will be revealed as to what the mysterious white powder is, it’s concentration and what effects it might have. Although why it takes so long to confirm it’s washing detergent we have absolutely no idea, but you know these legal types they like a bit of suspense and high drama and dancing about in silly wigs.

According to Giuseppe Tibis, the first hearing into the detergent drama could take place as soon as the end of the year. We will have to see what comes out in the wash.

Meanwhile no report into the saga would be complete without mentioning the McLaren Muppet Mike Coughlan. Ever the sensible, it seems that once Mike had his hands on Ferrari’s dossier of secret information he couldn’t quite help himself. If reports in Italian Newspapers are to be believed, Mike couldn’t help brandishing the secret dossier at every given opportunity. It is not now known who in McLaren hasn’t had a good read before telling him to burn it, apart from the McLaren janitor that is…who can’t read allegedly.

No doubt all of this gets his team into some very hot water indeed, and it will be interesting to see how McLaren get on at the FIA World Motorsport’s Council on July 26th, as they now can’t rely on the old chestnut “we know nothing”.

Beat that Colin Farrell.

 

McLaren Summoned, Stepney Saga Rolls On

In what is an additional twist to the ongoing (and apparently never-ending) Stepney-saga, McLaren has been summoned to appear before an extraordinary meeting of the FIA World Motorsport Council on July 26th. They have been charged with “unauthorised possession of documents and confidential information belonging to Scuderia Ferrari Marlboro, including information that could be used to design, engineer, build, check, test, develop and/or run a 2007 Ferrari Formula One car“. McLaren have in turn issued a statement saying they are not really happy with this latest development, and their only fault if any is to have hired a half-witted chief designer who could not do a simple job of photocopying documents without raising cain. Moreover they claim the documents were in the possession of above said ex-employee on ‘an unauthorized basis’ and ‘no element of it has been used in McLaren Formula 1 cars’. Well, how can they tell really? I mean, I think it is fairly logical to say unless you read a document, you cannot magically infer what is or is not in it, can you? Or maybe they are basing this on the assurances of Mike Coughlan. And that would be the chappie who not only apparently swiped 780 pages of Ferrari classified data, but was also caught making a photocopies of the same just in case he misplaced a couple of sets on the bus ride back home. Perhaps the idea of purchasing a cheap photocopier never occured to him. We do trust Ron Dennis will never stoop to cheating but McLaren will excuse us of course if we do not just take Coughlan’s word for what the Ferrari and McLaren cars have in common. And that includes the red paint.

Ron Dennis attempts to explain by starting off with the obvious – “Clearly if an individual has access to information that information is in that person” (Duh).  “Our system is a matrix system” he adds, “which means that the technical work we do is not a pyramid structure with one individual at the top, it is a flat structure”. That must be wonderful for McLaren we are sure, but what’s that got to do with anything really? We don’t care if the McLaren structure is a matrix, pyramid or a darned pentagon. All we care about is – how in the world did McLaren know about Ferrari floors – moving or not. I will spare you the details Dennis waxed on about, related to their R&D team structure, coffee break timings and office furniture. Essentially, the point he was trying to communicate was – “Therefore, I can categorically state that there are no developments, whatsoever, that have occurred in the months preceding 28th April or the months following 28th April and we can categorically demonstrate that to anybody who needs to have that information and of course that is the FIA“.

No developments…period? (Surely even a person with an IQ roughly that of a halibut will find that difficult to believe). Or no developments pinched from the Ferrari design documents? If it is the latter, then we are back to square one – and that would be how could Ron Dennis possibly know without reading the Ferrari design documents? And if Coughlan received the documents in March, then what the deuce is Ron on about 28th April – did he just pluck that date out of thin air? Too many questions, too few answers. We will keep you updated, as always. Forza.

 

Mike ‘Cock-up’ Coughlan and The Kimster

You know some people really can be party-poopers. You know the sort, they build you up with a great sense of anticipation that something very exciting is about to happen…then let you down at the last moment.

What the devil am I whittering on about you may well ask? Mike Coughlan. Yes, I’m talking about the man from McLaren (not Del Monte in case you were wondering) who has made a bit of a buffoon of himself by sending his wife off to the local photocopying shop with handfuls of Ferrari secrets. Then acting all surprised when Maranello get tipped off and get their undergarments in a slight twist over it all.

This morning Mike was due in the High Court in London to give ‘evidence’ in the Stepney-Ferrari-McLaren-Honda-just about everyone else Espionage Saga. So you know like most tifosi, I was unable to get any sleep last night in eager anticipation of seeing the McLaren Muppet squirming on the hook like Ross Brawn was about to use him for fishing bait.

However, at the last hour it appears Coughlan and his lawyers have struck a deal with the Maranello outfit to confess to everything he knows in a sworn affidavit, in return for Ferrari not forwarding all his sordid little secrets off to the district attorney in Modena. That’s an Orange Boiler Suit for one then our Nige, looks like you won’t be sharing a cell with your bosom buddy from McLaren after all.

Mike was supposed to have submitted the affidavit yesterday afternoon, but according to circulating rumours Mike is claiming he wasn’t give enough time to write down everything he knows about the internal goings on at Maranello. It is thought the list of secrets may take some time to compile, not least because it includes some rare gems. For example, what Technical Director Mario Almondo actually does all day, How many helpings of Spaghetti Bolognese Schumi likes to eat over at the Montana in one sitting, and the truth about what really happened to the Ferrari Wind tunnel (apparently a pizza slipped in between the rollers and caused all sorts of mayhem).

While the world is gripped to find out what Mike really knows (apart from the obvious fact he hasn’t the first clue how to operate a photocopier in secret), it’s business as usual for those busy little beavers in the F1 Scuderia Race Team. The boys are in Spa Francorchamps for 3 days, testing out some new developments on the F2007. Just what these developments might be we haven’t got a first darned clue, but I’m sure Mikey can enlighten us on that score.

Meanwhile, the Kimster has taken the opportunity to speak out (yes I know he is getting very verbose isn’t he? I’m blaming Stefano Domenicali for that) about his Nurburgring jinx. According to our favourite Finn, he suffered some terrible reliability problems at the track in the past. In 2003 and 2004 he retired with engine problems and in 2005 he experienced a suspension failure. So Kimi is fervently hoping his luck at Nurburgring will really change this time.

“Let’s hope we can make a hat-trick: just like in Magny-Cours and in Silverstone I have never had a perfect race there with my former team. It’s time to succeed.

“The second part of the championship has begun and you can see how the performance pendulum is easily swinging from one side to the other. Obviously I want it to stay on our side and that I continue to win: and at the end of the season we’ll do the calculations.” The Kimster quipped.

It’s not just our Kimi that is keeping every available appendage crossed in the hope he can score the hat trick. I’m sure a few of us are doing the same as well, although little Felipe might be throwing his rattle out of the pram if his team-mate manages to pull it off.

Forza Ferrari.